I AM LOST & FOUND AMONG MY REGRETS

• Today's suggested practice: Day 21 of this month's practice... (see below)

• My playlist while writing today's meditation: the silence between the words, after the paragraph is spoken… the silence of this much-needed solitude.

• My morning practice: 3am for 90 minutes of physical, yogic, and Meditation for Authentic Self-Expression (day 28/40)

• My vulnerability practice: to see, to actually SEE the hurt I’ve created, the tenderness I’ve been so callous with, to see my legacy of selfishness, and let THAT teach me.

Hans Peter MeyerFour, five days together. It’s a lot. Even when we’re both good at being alone, together. And to cap it with a Stephen Jenkinson performance. After five evenings, five days, I was ready for solitude, alone.

But she walked in the door the next day and as I’d just made too much food for myself I invited her to stay for dinner. This is, of course, part of our ritual. Her arrival, unannounced. In her own time. Me, making food for us. Then, me, listening to her enjoy it.

Then she laid something on the table. “I liked what you said, the other day, about divorce. How the relationship doesn’t end.” Yes, I nodded. My cue, perhaps, to acknowledge that my unfinished business with previous relationships meant that she had to live that unfinished businesses. I did. And then, “I’m not sure I should say this.” Of course, I insisted. She who says so little must say the things that are on the tip of her tongue.

With that she related a moment from our early months, early weeks perhaps. A moment that made me feel almost nauseous.

That must have been painful, I said. No, she didn’t think so. She just pushed it away. Moved on.

But that isn’t what happens, I said. The things we push down, they come to haunt us. And I’m sorry. That was an asshole thing to do, to say. I have my reasons, but they are asshole reasons. I’m sorry.

…

What did I do? That’s not so important, between you and me. What is important is that, after days together, days —perhaps— of gently easing into some kind of trust, this thing, this memory of something between us, surfaced. And it was time for me to own it. And to impress on her that I want her to be angry with me, not with herself for not, as she put it, “Seeing it as a warning.” And then what? Defend herself? Protect herself? No, I said, your vulnerability is the gift here. Be angry with me for being callous and boorish. Please, do not be angry with yourself for being the light that calls me into being more than I imagine myself to be.

…

This morning I wrote: I am afraid that you will not be angry with me, or that the anger you feel towards me is not enough, and that you will still be more angry with yourself for being the woman you are: vulnerable, susceptible.

You should not have to suffer because I’m too ignorant or stupid or selfish. But you have. You do. This is my responsibility. And I am sorry for not seeing you, not feeling you, not realizing what you brought & what you bring to me.

But this is me. My bad.

You deserve to be seen and held safe and cherished.

You deserve to have your tenderness valued, your vulnerability safeguarded.

For not doing that, please be angry with me.

For letting you down, please be angry with me.

For taking your vulnerability for granted, please be angry & disgusted with me.

I am sick with my regret. I would be so much sicker if I saw that you were making your sacrifice your failing, rather than your greatest offering to love.

I am sorry.

…

What strange joy is this, that I should be happy that she is angry with me instead of with herself? That I am not interested in defending myself, only in knowing this regret and allowing it to make me the man I love. The man I believe she believed in, before I disappointed her with my unfinished business of mistrust and protection and defending.

TODAY’S INSPIRATIONS

🌀A man of depth can hold both the joy and the pain of life at the same time. (GS Youngblood)

🌀…where little children are often afraid of the dark, spiritual seekers are often afraid of too much light. Spiritual seekers will walk on the edge of darkness -- the threshold of light -- to maintain their sense of familiar identity. Deep in the light, in the brightest parts of your enlightenment, there's no shadow, no perspective...no identity at all. At this location, you are merged with everything, which is extremely disorienting...you have to be at ease with being lost. (Guru Singh & Guruperkarma Kaur)

🌀…It can be tempting to think about what healing looks like, turning it into a linear journey with a beginning and an end, while actually it is a continuous process that is all about bringing in more consciousness each time we are confronted with a trigger. Step by step we can learn to be able to notice what is going on and then allow ourselves to feel and as such break through patterns that hold us captive. These patterns to avoid ‘feeling’ can be very strong because they are linked to survival mechanisms. We need to be compassionate and patient towards ourselves, they don’t just disappear by magic.

…So if you are noticing that you are struggling with something, trying to resist it or ignore it, ask yourself: What do I truly need right now? …can I find a way to lovingly hold space for myself and allow these emotions to move? When we stop resisting, the energy we use to do that can start to flow again and this can be very healing indeed. (Tim & Marieke, Kundalini Yoga School)

🌀Recognize that the other person is you. (Yogi Bhajan , Aquarian Sutra 1)

🌀You’re not like that anymore. (My beloved, she who is my Oracle & my Siren)

TODAY'S SUGGESTED PRACTICE

Day 21 of this month's practice, take 11 minutes today to sit and listen to, or chant, the Mangala Charn mantra... This meditation (Aad Guray Nameh, Jugad Guray Nameh, Sat Guray Nameh, Siri Guru Devay Nameh) is a prayer for protection and projection from the heart. We extend our heart without fear. We draw into our heart, without fear.

Please read through first, then ...

• Today, sit (or stand) in stillness as you listen and chant, or simply listen to this mantra, let this question stir within you…. How vulnerable can you be, and still stay open, to receive the love that you cannot imagine, because you’ve always protected yourself from receiving it, from being it?

• Setup: your "setup" for this month's daily practice is how you "hold onto yourself" and receive...

• Begin by closing your eyes and aligning your body into its truest, most elegant posture, tucking your chin to lift your heart, tilting your pelvis to straighten your spine. Become still, more still than you've ever been. Your alignment is the physical training for trustworthiness. Bring your hands to your heart, right (masculine) over left (feminine).

• Focus on feeling the vibration. That is all.

• Set your timer for 11 minutes or listen to the mantra sung by Snatam Kaur here:

• As the timer signals or the mantra ends allow your eyes to slowly open. Take three, relaxed breath cycles, no pressing, no effort, and feel yourself full, without thoughts, open. Safe to receive. Then, step into your day, letting the mantra echo as a nourishing vibration whenever you become still. You don't need to DO anything. Let the world come to you with its demands, its complaints, and yes, its endless tide of gifts and blessings.✨